On November 30, Universal Studios and Legendary Pictures released their new holiday horror film, Krampus, directed by Michael Dougherty. The film tells the story about a suburban family who is tormented by an ancient demonic spirit (aka the Shadow of Santa Claus) for lacking regard for one another. Throughout the course of the film, the family is picked off by elves and evil rejected toys, including a gigantic demonic jack-in-the-box, and are forced to find the true meaning of Christmas by the end of the film.
The lesson behind the story is simple: be thankful for what you have and who you have in your life or else Krampus will come to visit. To help you keep the peace in your home this holiday season, we’ve compiled a list of the 10 creepiest gifts that only Krampus could love and give. Please take our advice: don’t put any of these under your tree!
#9: Electric Back Hair Shaver, $34.99 (Amazon)
Know someone who has been burdened with excessive back hair? Look no further! Introducing the marvelous MANGROOMER PROFESSIONAL Do-It-Yourself Electric Back Hair Shaver! This fancy rechargeable shaver has a long, adjustable arm with a razor attached to the end of it. It’s perfect for any shape or sized hairy back! Alternative uses for this product include dog grooming, shaving the neck hair of someone sitting a few seats away from you, and of course, big toe hair shaving.
#8: Softhood Hair Drying Bonnet, $10 (Groupon)
This is probably one of the greatest inventions of our time, but it’s also one of the strangest. The Softhood Hair Bonnet Hair Dryer Attachment adheres to your hair dryer with a long snake-like tube, and funnels air into a cap you place over your wet hair. It’s a genius way to dry your hair with less water mess and in faster time, but the design makes the wearer look as if they are part of some sort of occult. If you manage to get your hands on one of these, try to avoid going out in public with this product. You wouldn’t want to concern your elderly neighbors!
#7: PooPooPaper Products (Amazon)
Are you wondering what that smells like? PooPooPaper creates handcrafted, natural, tree-free, recycled, upcycled, odorless (surprise!), functional, memorable, unique paper and stationery products made from poo. Yes, that’s right, these paper products are created from a variety of animal fecal matter, such as horses, cow, and elephants. Some animals produced a very fiber-filled feces, which is perfect for creating paper.. and notebooks, calendars, and such. While a strange (and somewhat very gross) idea, the makers of PooPooPaper are very environmentally conscious and have decent hearts. These products are made by the good people of Thailand, who have benefited from the opportunity of such a unique business venture. Of all the strange things on this list, this would be the one we support whole-heartedly.
#6: Face Bank, $17.99 (Amazon)
Of all the things we have seen in this forsaken world, this is by far one of the creepiest. The Face Bank brings the interpretation of the traditional piggy bank to a whole new level. We’re not sure if its mouth moves when you push a coin through it, but judging by the product images on the side of the box, it would appear to be the case. It’s a motion-activated bundle of fear, and it features a built in heat sensor that starts when you put your hand up to it. If you don’t find the looks of it enough to give you nightmares, try your cards on the description:
Feed the Facebank! The Facebank Dodeka is the coolest piggy-bank we’ve ever seen, bar none, and is the large-size version of the original Facebank. Put coins in the Dodeka’s mouth, and he slowly eats them, with cartoony-but-lifelike movement that will make you wonder if he’s actually alive. His huge coin reservoir has enough space for months of deposits, and his seamless motorized face and sounds will keep you coming back to feed him over and over.
The Face Bank comes in a variety of colors, including pink, blue, red, and yellow. No digital display, though. I guess the makers of this tragic money saver didn’t think about that beneficial feature.
#5: The Diet Fork by Christopher’s Hand
The Diet Fork, created by Christopher’s Hand, is a vintage gag gift from the 1970’s that’s sure to anger any overweight recipients. We’re not sure if this was once a handy tool used to garner weight loss results or simply a gag gift, but we can’t imagine the success of Christopher’s Hand. It’s a cruel joke if given to the wrong person, but a memorable find for anyone with a great sense of humor. You won’t find this vintage gem in a big box store, but you can find listings for it on eBay if you hope to get your hands on it this season.
#4: Maybe You Touched Your Genitals Soap, $9.50 (Amazon)
This is the #1 after-genital-contact liquid soap in the world, and it has a delicate fragrance of wildflowers and clover. Wonderful. Maybe You Touched Your Genitals Liquid Soap is the perfect gift for any mother-in-law or coworker you suspect has an itch for dirty deeds. At only $9.50, it’s sure to be money well-spent after a long day of tugging and rubbing in the southern regions. Genitals not included.
#3: Home Book of Taxidermy and Tanning (Amazon)
Released on February 1, 1985, this delightfully educational book by Gerald J. Grantz delivers on teaching the basics for turning out successful taxidermy and tanning projects. The Home Book of Taxidermy and Tanning: The Amateur’s Primer on Mounting Fish, Birds, Animals, Trophies is fully illustrated and includes step-by-step instructions that are easy to follow, making it the perfect gift for anyone who has recently lost a beloved pet… or relative. We’re sure this brilliant How-To guide would be a fantastic addition to any Do-It-Yourself enthusiasts collection. Wrap it up elegantly with rabbit fur for the ultimate gifting experience.
#2: Extreme Kidnapping Service, $1500
As this is something you would give yourself (unless you’d like to face jail time), it’s a different type of gift all together, but nevertheless creepy. Extreme Kidnapping, a company founded in Detroit, Michigan (now in New Orleans, Louisiana), offers a service in which clients are abducted at random, in public or private, simulating a real-life kidnapping event for the low price of $1,500.00. Worried you might be kidnapped against your will? Have no fear! Company policy only permits paying customers to be kidnapped, so you should feel much safer.
The company was founded over a decade ago by entrepreneur Adam Thick, who also raps under the stage name Mr. Scrillion. When Extreme Kidnapping was based in Michigan, over 80% of the client base were tourists who flew into Detroit. As for the new venture in New Orleans, it’s unknown if tourists still flock to be kidnapped down south in Louisiana. As of January 5, 2015, Extreme Kidnapping was posted for sale, with no word as to whether or not potential buyers could still benefit from this lovely service.
#1: Dead Animal Footwear, $5,863.44
Yes, these are pumps made of snake skin with fashionable revolver heels. Yes, they are made of real snakes. Yes, that is a real snake head. Perfect for the mid-western monster in your life, right? This grotesque fashion statement was created by Iris Shieferstein, a German designer. Iris creates footwear from body parts of dead animals, utilizing horse hooves and skin, snake skin, and whole birds as material. The designer uses a local butcher for her footwear as she previously used roadkill for her creations, which caused her a series of legal woes. In 2011, Iris made a custom pair of shoes for pop star Lady Gaga. So, if you have several thousand dollars laying about, you could have your own special pair, too!